


What if we tried

by Frostwolf319



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Attacks, Denial of Feelings, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:36:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28031751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostwolf319/pseuds/Frostwolf319
Summary: After an interesting winter vacation with his friends and almost failing his classes yet again, John Egbert is forced to accept his feelings towards Dirk and his own lack of heterosexuality.Art for this piece was created by the wonderful Mandy found here --> https://sumyna.tumblr.com/
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, John Egbert/Dirk Strider
Kudos: 27
Collections: DirkJohn Big Bang 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this I apologize ahead of time for any formatting errors as this is my first time posting to AO3! I hope you enjoy ^^

John looks out the window of his dorm room, taking a break from hurriedly unpacking his laundry to watch the snowfall. Allowing himself only a few seconds to reminisce over that year’s winter vacation before he shakes himself out of it. Determined to have himself unpacked and out of the dorm before his roommate returns. The last thing John wants to do is see Dirk, especially after the vacation. He didn’t want to think about That again. But, despite that though, he finds himself looking over at Dirk’s empty bed, he tries to ignore the way his heart feels tight inside his chest. He pushes away the confusing thoughts attempting to infiltrate his brain. He tears himself away from the longing way he glances to the door, half hoping for Dirk to enter, half dreading his arrival. So he speedily unpacks and throws his clothes into his mess of a dresser and leaves the room.  


After entering the hallway he hears the familiar voice of his best friend, but he also hears the one he is so desperately trying to avoid. He looks up to see both Dirk and Dave smile and wave at him as they walk to the dorm, but John waves only at Dave and runs off. Avoiding eye contact with Dirk. Doing everything possible to avoid thinking about the hurt and confusion that he sees flash across Dirk’s face.  
John continues this little dance, avoiding Dirk for the next two months. Ducking out of any hallway or room he spots Dirk in. And every time he tries to ignore the pain he sees in the millisecond he gives himself to look at Dirk.  
Over time Dirk slowly also begins to avoid John, whether it be putting on headphones to work on his projects in their dorm, going to bed early, or leaving group gatherings John is part of. He refuses to look at John. And every time John feels that pain in his chest again. A feeling he doesn’t know what to do with and hopes will eventually leave him.  


Midterms come and go before either of them say a word to each other, and even then it’s only Dirk handing John a note telling him where to find tutors to help raise his grades. John waits for Dirk to leave before putting the note in his bag, remembering who helped him last semester and why that was no longer an option. Not wanting to deal with the anxiety-provoking concept of talking to a new person, the second he receives his midterm grades John hightails it to Dave’s dorm room.  
Relying entirely on muscle memory and not an ounce of common sense, John just opens Dave’s door and walks in. Upon entering the room John freezes in confusion at the unexpected sight lay before him. He had just walked in on two shirtless people on Dave’s bed. But it took him a minute to realize that he knew those two people, he’d just walked in on Dave making out with Karkat. Two guys. Making out. Half naked. On Dave’s bed.

\---------------------------

“So, when did you... how did you know you weren't straight?” John asks, suddenly trying to keep his focus on the game, which was playing on the monitor of Dave’s computer. However, both of them knew he’d been distracted the entire time they’d been playing. They both knew what John was thinking about the entire time. After John stumbled into Dave’s room, interrupting both him and Karkat, Karkat left having to go do “something” as he said. Leaving Dave to explain the situation to a very shocked and confused John. The Strider realizing there was no way for him to get through to John raised up a video game and the two sat down to play.  


“Damn John, way to start a conversation with some easy questions, shit dude, I don’t fucking know” Dave responds sarcastically looking away from the game they were playing. “Seriously though, I don’t really even know, I honestly just realized over time that I had a thing for Karkat and it just went from there I guess.” he shrugs not entirely sure of how to answer John’s question. “I mean I know I gave you permission to ask about stuff after, you walked in on me and Karkat but like, why that one in particular dude?”  


“No reason,” John says, trying to put on his best impression of Dave and shrugs it off, hoping that he doesn’t press any further.  


“Dude literally no one asks that unless they are either homophobic or questioning themselves. Which one are you, if it's the former I’m gonna have to ask you to leave and pull your damn head out of your ass, then again you do room with Dirk so I doubt that's it. So that means it has to be the latter. So who's making you, Mr. ‘I’m not a homosexual’, question stuff?” Dave asks after his mini-rant.  


“You’ve been spending too much time with Rose, she’s been teaching you to psychoanalyze people like her hasn’t she.” John jokes, in an attempt to change the course of the conversation.  
“No John, she hasn’t it doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together. Not to mention I’ve been where you’re at now so there’s that.”  


“I still can't believe you and Karkat got together, didn’t you guys hate each other all of freshman year? You two had like an English class or something together didn’t you? I remember you complaining about some ‘windbag’ in your class and every time I tried to hang out with the both of you, you were at each other’s throats, so what happened?”  


“John you’re majorly deflecting and doing a horrible job at it, but to answer your question, yes but we both kinda just got over it and well you know the rest of the story from there,” Dave explains. “But I’m going to ask you again, who’s making you question stuff, I thought I’d have best bro privileges in that area or something so I’d get to know dude.”  


“Best bro privileges really Dave, what are you thirteen?” John laughs looking at Dave who paused the game and puts a hand on his chest in dramatic fake offense. “I mean you didn’t tell me about Karkat so I guess that means I don’t have to tell you about D-.” John stops himself before finishing his statement, aware that he almost said the thing he just told Dave he wasn’t about to say.  


“Okay so I got a D from that, and there are only like two people in the friend group whose names begin with D, so unless this is someone from a different class, which I highly doubt you’re either talking about me, which I’d have to say I’m flattered about John but you’re like five years too late for that, or Dirk,” Dave states smirking as John looked at him in horror. “Well that was a complete shot in the dark but I’m gonna assume that you’ve got a crush on my brother, but really John, my brother? Really? I definitely better get the best bro privileges now, I deserve an explanation.”  


“Dave, no, I don’t- well I mean- fuck” John began trying to explain himself, but at every turn, he just stopped knowing there was no way to explain it to Dave who was sitting next to him smirking because of what he figured out. “Fuck you, Dave.”  


“Sorry John, that is Karkat’s job and his alone, he doesn’t like to share.” Dave laughs. “However, my brother is in fact single so you have some hope there.” This response got John to playfully push the Strider over onto his side.  


“Really dude, really. Doesn’t it make you uncomfortable to make that joke? Like he is your brother after all?” John asks, confused by Dave’s ability to find the entire situation hilarious.  


“Oh this is entertaining for me, because of your expressions dude, you really have always been horrible at hiding what you’re feeling, like fucking always been terrible at it. And I figured something was going on because the damn sexual tension between you two during that vacation we all went on this past break, that shit could’ve been cut with a damn knife.” Dave began still laughing a bit. “So honestly it’s kind of just like, it’s about fucking time one of you two made a damn move like fucking seriously.”  


“Does anyone else know?” John asks fear beginning to take over his voice, who else knew, did Jane know? Was she going to tell their dad? How would he react? How would the rest of the family react?  


“Know what about you and Dirk circling each other in a fucking endless spiral of pining and sexual tension? No, just me everyone else was too busy screwing around with their partners or babysitting everyone else.” Dave answers. John feels himself relax a bit, knowing that his secret is safe with Dave. Even if the Strider teases John occasionally he knows that Dave would never tell anyone without John’s permission. “So what do you want to do about it, John?”  


“Nothing, besides I’m not gay,”  
“Sure you’re not, you’re just having gay thoughts regarding my brother, nothing gay about that at all John.”  


“Fuck off Dave,” John rolls his eyes as the two hear a knock at Dave’s door and Karkat walks in wearing Dave’s shirt and holding three bags of Mcdonald’s.  


“Hey shit heads, I’m back with food. Figured getting you dumbasses food would make the situation less awkward.” Karkat says after closing Dave’s door.  


“Wow Karkles, what a nice way to greet your boyfriend,” Dave responds teasingly. John smiles, glad that his interruption didn’t ruin anything between the two of them.  


“Strider fuck off,” Karkat yells, but the fake anger is lost on everyone in the room as soon as he smiles guiltily at Dave.  


“Wow, I remember the first time you used that on Dave, Karkat.” John laughs awkwardly trying to change the conversation a bit. “I think it was back like first-semester last year when Terezi and Vriska were both hitting on us.”  


Dave holds his head in his hands and rubs his forehead as though trying to wipe the memory from his mind. “God, yea I remember that group chat, but I’m going to continue trying to remove that entire convo from my damn brain, especially the part where you told John and I to get with Rose and Jade.”  
“That was before I really even knew you assholes, and besides I was fucking right about them just trying to experiment with you two. All I knew about Dave was that he was some smug asshole from my English class who wore shades inside, All. The Damn. Time.”  
“Yes Karkles, and now you are dating this smug asshole who wears shades all the damn time,” Dave responds smirking before he received a pillow straight to the face from Karkat.  
“If you two are just going to be flirting the entire time I think I’m gonna head out.” John begins, as he grabs his bag and his phone. “Besides I’ve got a lot of thinking to do tonight.”  
“Alright, good luck with that dude.” Dave waves as Karkat sits down beside him giving him a confused look. John walks out of the dorm and to the staircase to begin walking to his own dorm.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A beautiful picture of this scene done by the wonderful Mandy can be found here!   
> https://sumyna.tumblr.com/post/637431866781253633/here-is-one-of-two-artworks-i-did-for-the-dirkjohn

John lets himself into the dorm room he shared with Dirk, unsurprisingly finding that the Strider had already gone to sleep. He had realized about a month or so prior that Dirk had begun going to sleep early when he wasn’t working on a project so John wouldn’t have to interact with him. Whether he was actually asleep or just pretending to make John more comfortable, John didn’t know, he never asked after all it was in fact John’s fault that the two of them had such a bad relationship now. John walked into the room and sat on his bed after changing into more comfortable clothes. He didn’t immediately lay down to sleep, he just sits there looking at Dirk as the light from the streetlamps outside pour in through the slits in the blinds of their shared window. After a few minutes pass, John lays down on his side and stares at Dirk longingly. He wonders if Dirk knows that he does this if he lies facing John because of it, or so he can do the same to John. John quietly laughs at himself, how could he think that after all Dirk probably hates him now. John is probably the last person Dirk wants to see.  


John can't help but think of every moment he shared with Dirk, from their first meeting to the first time he saw and heard Dirk genuinely smile and laugh. Each time he felt like the Strider had stolen his breath away. He didn't understand why or what it meant only that it was happening. He didn't understand the reason why his face grew red and hot whenever Dirk complimented him or his work, or why his heart sped up every time Dirk leaned in close to help him with a problem. He didn't know the reasons why separating himself from Dirk felt like holding himself at the bottom of a pool, air stolen from his lungs, light stolen from his eyes, and salvation just out of reach. He didn't know why every pained look from Dirk's eyes felt like a stab to his heart. He didn't know why keeping himself away felt like fighting against an immovable wall. But he did know that every night despite forcing himself to stay away John found himself longingly staring at Dirk as he slept, trying to commit the image to memory for when he would eventually have to leave for good. There would be no more stolen midnight glances.  


Every day John knows the inevitable approaches. And everyday John begs time to slow, begs the universe for more time, for another chance, for an explanation to his feelings. And every night there is no response, no answer, no sign. No matter how late he remains awake. So he immerses himself in memories they shared, the good times and the bad. He finds himself drawn to the confusing ones the most, the ones where he finds himself wanting to be closer with no explanation as to why. He entertains his mind and quells his loneliness and longing through remembrance. He immerses himself in the sound of the fan, the orange tones which lit up the room as the sun sank below the horizon, the textbook which lay in front of them, the sounds of Dirk's voice as he explained the topic, the feeling of their shoulders brushing against each other. And John finds himself yet again wondering, what would have happened if he'd moved closer. What would have happened the million other times he could have moved closer, what could happen if he moved closer. But again as most nights go John rips himself away from the memory and forces himself to face reality. He forces himself to repeat what he did, that he cut Dirk off, that he hurt Dirk, that it is his fault that things changed. And so he falls asleep like he does most nights, he falls asleep with a tear-stained pillow facing the wall, not trusting himself to face the one he unknowingly longs for.  


As with most nights, he hopes his dreams will provide a sanctuary from his raging inner turmoil, and as with most nights, he is wrong.  


John’s dreams only ever provide him with more questions, never answers. But tonight in his dreams John finds himself wrapped in Dirk's embrace. But where he expects discomfort and confusion, he finds contentment and happiness. He finds the same rapid heartbeat and flushed face every time Dirk smiles. He finds himself with a feeling of familiarity in the unfamiliar surroundings, he feels happiness and recognition in himself when he hears the voices and sees the faces of children he's sure he's never met before. He longs to remain there because, despite the initial confusion, he knows he is happy. He is comfortable with Dirk's arms wrapped around him calloused and scratched from working with machines and robots. His laugh, his smile, his ridiculous shades, his beautiful and striking eyes, everything about him is perfect to John, everything about this moment is perfect to John, everything except the knowledge that it's all a dream. But for once, John lets himself be swept away in the fantasy. The fantasy of happiness, of the perfect life. The life he longs to live, with the person he longs to be with.  


However, before he knows it John finds himself on the porch of the mountain cottage from winter vacation again. He finds himself leaning on Dirk's shoulder warm mugs in both their hands and a blanket draped over their shoulders. Both of them admiring the inexplicable beauty of the sky painted a million different shades by the setting sun, the faint glint of stars beginning to poke out as darkness slowly takes over the land. And John feels himself begin to turn and kiss Dirk. Before he knows it confusion has taken over as he pulls himself from the dream in shock, no longer tied to the bed by sleep John gets up and closes in on himself against the wall. What does that mean? Why did he do that? Why does he still want to do that? All of these questions ran through his brain as his heart began to pound faster and harder in his chest. John tries to think about a conversation he held earlier with Dave but rather than answers, John only gained Dave’s voice repeating “You hurt him, John''. He knows that he hurt him, he reminds himself of it every day, every time he sees Dirk hightail out of a room the second John enters, every time John does the same, every time John sees the pain in Dirk’s eyes despite him trying to hide it. Every attempt to calm himself only left him feeling more helpless, more alone, more terrified of himself. Why was he imagining the way it would feel to kiss Dirk, Why was he imagining Dirk holding him, Why could he never get Dirk off of his mind. But most importantly What was happening to him Why was it happening to him, What does this mean about him? How would his family react to this? John asks himself a million questions yet still found no answer as though he was pounding his fist against an invisible wall, one that blocks him from his answers, one that he desperately wants to break through. But John just sits there, on his bed crouched over with his head in his hands as tears all down his cheeks.  


He cries and regrets everything, he cries unable to acknowledge what he has learned and what this means for himself. He sits in fear of his friend’s reactions, but he dreads his family’s reactions the most, at least with his friends he knows they’ll likely accept him, but his family, they are the wild card. They are the most likely to ridicule him, to reject him. So that fear becomes a terror so strong John finds himself shaking and unable to breathe, the soft crying becomes sobbing accompanied by ragged sharp breaths as he struggles to find his ability to breathe. And what lasts less than five minutes feels like a lifetime as John sits on his bed, never feeling more alone, never lacking more control over his mind, then now. He struggles with attempt after attempt to grapple his thoughts, to control them to calm himself. But attempt after attempt fails and with each failure, his terror grows. He continues to try, looking for something to focus on something to hold on to long enough for him to calm down. Only the something he gets isn’t what he expected, the something is physical, it’s warm, it’s holding him, it’s Dirk.  


In his panicked state John didn’t realize that Dirk had been woken by the sound of either John’s hyperventilation or his sobs, he wasn’t sure which all he knew is that Dirk was holding him. He wasn’t saying anything, just holding John as he cried, he was giving John something to hold on to, something to focus on, something physical to distract from his thoughts and it was working. So he focuses on that, he focuses on the warmth of Dirk’s chest pressed against his back, on his arms wrapped around John’s shoulders, on his breath and his heartbeat, on the sound of his voice telling John that everything will be okay, that John is safe. And John believes him.  


So after he calms down enough, after his breathing slows, he turns around and wraps his arms around Dirk’s neck and hugs him back. John doesn’t worry about the millions of questions that were pouring through his brain, the millions of fears. He focuses on the tight hug that both he and Dirk were wrapped up in, because to him, this was more important. He focuses on the safety he feels from within Dirk’s embrace and he slowly finishes coming down from the panic he just cries. John cries and apologizes for everything, from avoiding him, to lashing out at him and hurting him. Dirk doesn’t respond, just holds John until he is calm. He holds him and John feels safe and he feels whole, suddenly understanding and getting one tiny step closer to consciously accepting what he has subconsciously known all along. John may not know the full extent of what his feelings mean about himself, but he does know that he loves Dirk and that he can finally accept. When he calms down and loosens his hold on Dirk, he feels the Strider begin to pull away from him and stand up, probably to go back to his bed. John feels himself panic, afraid he is going to fall back into the attack Dirk had just saved him from.  


“Please,... stay,” John asks quietly, fear pouring into his voice as he reaches out and gently grabs Dirk’s arm. Dirk looks back at John, exhaustion, and understanding both written on his face and nods. John gives a half-smile and moves for Dirk to sit down on the bed again, only this time he lays down and holds his arms open for John to lay down with him. And he does, after a moment of unsure hesitation, John lays himself down with his head resting on Dirk’s chest. After expecting discomfort from the both of them, John is pleasantly surprised to find himself content as he looks up and sees that Dirk has already fallen back asleep, holding John gently as though he was afraid to hurt him. So John drifts off to sleep again, as the morning sun begins to rise over the horizon and various shades of orange and blue begin to mix and fill up the sky.  


When John wakes, he finds himself alone in his bed, well almost alone, he sees one of Dirk’s shirts laying on the edge of his bed. He finds himself grabbing it and hugging it closer to his chest, still unsure of entirely why he finds comfort in it, he falls back asleep as he hears the door of their dorm click shut after someone steps out.


	3. Chapter 3

John finds himself standing in front of the door of his dorm. It wasn’t until about noon that John’s anxiety was in a place where he could drag himself out of bed knowing that if he stayed there he’d probably just slip back into the downward spiral again. So now he finds himself standing in front of his dorm door. Just standing there and staring at it, as though he was waiting for it to come to life and give him permission to enter. His key rested in his pocket but he just kept standing there, his backpack resting on one shoulder, staring at the door like an absolute lunatic. Then John jumps back in shock as the door opens to reveal a very confused looking Dirk, probably wondering why exactly John was standing in front of their door.

“Did you..? Lock yourself out of the dorm again?” Dirk asks after a minute or so of the two of them just staring at each other awkwardly, in the hallway.

“I- uh- No, no I didn’t why?” John asks, continuing to make the situation way more awkward than it needed to be.

“You’ve been standing outside, staring at the door, for twenty minutes,” Dirk says, slowly John wasn’t sure if it was because John looked like a complete moron or if Dirk himself was trying to figure out what the fuck was going on.

“Oh-, wait how do you know that?” John asks suspiciously, was Dirk waiting on John to go back to the dorm? If so why? John finds himself wondering what he fucked up this time.

Dirk points up to a tiny camera which pointed to the foot of their door “I installed that like a month after we moved in. Because you forgot your keys for like two weeks straight.”

“Oh” John does remember that he just never thought about it, he forgot about it after it was installed and just never questioned how Dirk always managed to open the door for him whenever John awkwardly waited out in the hallway trying to build up the courage to knock on his own damn door.

“Are we good Egbert? I thought after this morning we would be, but you’re still acting really fucking weird.”

“We are! I promise I wasn’t trying to avoid you again!” John yells, before awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck with his arm, he did not mean to yell that.

Dirk only rolls his eyes in response and moves out of the doorway “Then come inside Egbert, as much as I’d love to keep awkwardly standing in the middle of the fucking hallway with you, I’ve got a new project to work on.” John sees him immediately sit down at his desk and start soldering together various robotic pieces, John is almost 100% certain that Dirk is not supposed to do half the shit he does in their room, especially revolving around his personal robotic projects. But John walks over and places his backpack on the floor before letting himself fall backward and plop down on his bed. He looks over towards the wall and sees Dirk’s shirt still crumpled up where John was sleeping this morning. Maybe Dirk just didn’t want it anymore? John finds himself thinking about the morning again, everything from his panic attack to sleeping in his arms.

“..Egbert.” He jumps after hearing his name, shit was Dirk talking to him the entire time?  
“Something wrong Egbert?” Dirk asks looking directly at John. How long has Dirk been looking at him? Shit, he must look like a complete moron at this point.

“No, nothing’s wrong,” John responds looking back at Dirk.

“Sure Egbert, like I’m gonna believe that shit. I wasn’t born yesterday. You stood outside our door without doing anything for damn near twenty minutes and since entering the room have proceeded to do nothing but sigh and stare at my shirt.” Dirk huffs in mild annoyance, but John catches a glint of worry from the way his brows bunch up above his shades. “From the way you were looking at my shirt, I’m going to make a wild assumption from absolutely fucking nowhere and assume that it has to do with this morning.”

John feels his face begin to grow hot, how do both the Striders read him so fucking well. “I-, yea we should probably talk about this morning, I owe you an explanation after how I woke you up.”  
“No John, you don’t. You don’t owe me shit for that, understood? You owe me nothing, you had a panic attack, that’s not something you have fucking control over so don’t apologize for it.” Dirk sighs before continuing, “But if you want to talk about it we can, any part of it.”

John didn’t miss that Dirk used his first name. So he shrugs and nods “Yea, I want to talk about this morning, and I want to explain. But- It’s probably going to be messy and just extremely fucking awkward.”

“Egbert, there is no way in hell it will be anything near the worst things Dave and Rose have ranted about, for hours on fucking end. Those two do absolutely not know how to shut the fuck up. Trust me.”

“Yea that seems to be a common trait in you guys’ family.” John teases, feeling his lips quirk up into a half-smile.

“So it seems,” Dirk playfully glares at John before chucking himself.

“I’ve been thinking, about things about myself.” John begins roughly, he looks up at Dirk expecting some kind of tease or a joke but only finds Dirk looking at him patiently waiting for him to talk, to take his time. “ about my sexuality, it may have been part of the reason I had an attack this morning. I haven’t figured out, what I identify as or where I fit, but I know that I’m not straight, and I’m sorry for avoiding you since, the cabin trip, but I was just scared of not being what I thought I was. The thought terrified me. I just panicked and did what I assumed would help, now looking back I know it was a shitty plan but at the time it was the best I could do. I’m sorry.” When John finishes his rant he expects to see an angry Dirk looking at him with disgust, but what he finds is confusion.

“Wait, what does any of that have to do with me? Were you avoiding me because you thought I’d be angry with you or something? John, I’m gay as fuck you know that right? I’m not going to be pissed about you not being a hetero.”

“No, you’re- you’re not understanding what I’m saying Dirk, I avoided you because I started having feelings for you, gay ones, romantic ones, and it scares me. I didn’t know what to do about it. I still don’t, to be honest. But, I didn’t know how to handle it so I ran.” John feels his eyes begin to water and he silently curses at himself before looking at the ground, as though it would make the entire situation easier to handle. “I understand if you hate me. After all, that was a pretty shitty excuse for what I did.”

“Yea, avoiding me for four months, was a bit of a dick move Egbert,” Dirk sighs. “ but no, I don’t hate you. I honestly don't think I could ever hate you, John. I mean yeah you can be a dick sometimes, but so can everyone else in our weird friend group. But what do you mean by feelings, for me?”

“I just- I don't know, I like you okay? Like in a non-friends, very, very homosexual way Dirk. A lot.” John says trying to keep control over his breathing, Dirk looks on and pats John’s back.

“John, I like you too, a lot, have for a while. I honestly assumed you already knew and that’s why you were avoiding me. But, you aren’t ready for a relationship right now not while you’re still sorting through your own head. Trust me.” he shrugs as John’s eyes widen in shock before lowering again in disappointment.

“You know you don't have to lie to me I can take it if you don't feel the same, Dirk. You have every right to hate me-”

“John, listen to the words coming out of my mouth. I will only say this once I love your dumb ass, understood?” Dirk huffs. "Do you understand now?"

“You- me,” John says looking thoroughly confused and pointing at himself and Dirk, to which Dirk only nods in response. “A while?”

“Yea John, a while, like before we were even roommates a while.”

"Why didn't you say anything then"

"I assumed you were straight and uninterested? You know cause for like two years you kept screaming how you "weren't a homosexual" you remember that right?" Dirk asks arching his brow again and John felt his face heat up as he looks away from Dirk. Of course he remembered that, how could he not have? He'd done it because people thought he and Dave were going out in high school, but they didn't believe him anyway. At least he thought they didn't.

“Then why not try?” John asks. “Wouldn’t it be easier to figure things out, if I wasn’t alone?”

“This isn’t just about you, it isn’t just to protect you. But no it’d probably add more stress on to you it would just delay you going on your journey of self discovery or whatever the hell you want to call it.”

“Who else is it protecting?”

“Me John. It protects me, what happens if you decide that you no longer want to deal with the fear of being found out, but you aren’t ready to come out? I like you, John, I do but I’m not going to set myself up to be thrown to the side if you decide you aren’t ready. I don't want to be someone's experiment” Dirk responds while rubbing his forehead.

“I won't throw you to the side.”

“You can’t promise that John. You don’t know what you want, take time, and figure it out at your own pace before attaching yourself to anyone.”

“I may not know what label I fit into but I know that I like you.” John begins stubbornly looking Dirk in the eyes again defiantly. “You say you like me back so what is the problem. Let me try, let us try.”

"No John, I've already gone through this before with someone else and I'm not hell-bent on going through it again."

"Wait what? When? With who?" John asks his eyes widening, he hadn't heard of Dirk going out with anyone before, sure he assumed that it happened at some point but he was never sure.

"Why do you have to know John, it does not impact you and he doesn't want to talk about it so I don't feel like talking about it either."

"Was it Jake?" John asks after some thought, he remembers them hanging out a lot in high school before Jake came out as asexual, then they just stopped and didn't talk again until college.

Dirk rubs his temple before sitting down "Yea, it was Jake."

"Are you, mad at him for it?"

"No, just angry with myself for getting my hopes up, hence why I'm not so inclined to do it again. I would like to say that I am not dumb enough to make the same mistake twice."

"What happened after that? Jake coming out I mean?"

"Nothing we'd already broken up before it, turns out he never actually liked me, at least not romantically or sexually. He wasn't in a great spot mentally and having someone there to help him, it convinced him what he felt was something it wasn't and I slowly. Well, I slowly fell hard and fast. We stopped talking for a while so I could get rid of any feelings I had towards him."

"Dirk, please I promise that won't happen. Let us try please."

“Fine, let’s try.” Dirk sighs in defeat. “We can try, I just hope you prove me wrong.” John’s face lights up like a Christmas tree the second he hears those words come out of Dirk’s mouth. All initial fear fades to nothingness as excitement and glee sets in. John tries and fails to contain himself settling instead for grinning and bouncing in his seat, which is his bed was extremely easy.

“But, you better bet that while I’m tutoring you I’m going to be hard on you still.” Dirk chuckles.

“Damnit, everything was amazing then you had to mention classes,” John whines causing Dirk to laugh more.

“Well, I have to make sure my boyfriend passes right?” He asks, causing John to smile as he hears the words ‘my boyfriend’.


	4. Chapter 4

John waits in a chair at a large table with his textbooks open in front of him. Dirk suggested they study into the library for the ambiance, saying something about it helping get John into the mood to study and pay attention. He looks around the big open room in an attempt to spot the tall blond to no avail, before resorting to slouching in his chair and glaring at his textbook.

“You know John, glaring at the book isn’t going to make it easier to understand right?” a voice chuckles amusedly from behind him. John turns around eyes wide in disbelief.

“How did you? I literally just looked around the room? You are wearing bright fucking orange and I just- What?”

“I have my ways, Egbert.” Dirk laughs again before taking a seat next to John, “Open your book and show me where you’re at.”

John releases a huff of annoyance before complying, opening to a wall of text, barely helpful images, and a sheet of paper that contains John’s hastily written class notes. Dirk grabs the sheet of paper first glancing over it before chuckling to himself as though finding John’s struggle entertaining. He sits there awkwardly for a solid five painfully long minutes as Dirk looks between John’s pages of notes and the textbook, just as he thinks Dirk is done he gets out his own sheet of paper and makes notes for an additional 3 minutes. John dramatically lays down on the table resting his forehead against his forearms.

“The problem is your notes. The textbook, of course, doesn’t fucking help but you aren’t taking notes in a way that works for you and you aren’t getting the right information down.” Dirk states simply after putting down John’s notes.  
“What do you mean I’ve taken notes this way since middle school,” John asks, staring at the page of notes like they were in a foreign language.

“Were you taught to do that or did you just do it?”

“I was taught that this is the right way?” John says not sounding entirely sure of his response, appearing almost lost in thought.

“There is no one right way, but there is a right way for you and this ain’t fucking it, Egbert.” Dirk yawns stretching his arms up and behind his head.

“Okay, well then how do I fix that?”

“For now just write down what you are confused about.” Dirk explains before looking behind John, who shrugs and simply wrote, ‘Everything’ on a blank piece of paper. “Egbert, please be more fucking specific. I can’t help you with everything.”

“I don’t think you understand just how much I almost failed last semester,” John says, his eyes wide as he thinks about trying to fix the way he takes notes, after all, what could he do this was all he’d been taught to do.

“Well, then I guess just take a graded test or assignment out of your bag?” Dirk shrugs. John embarrassedly slides his test on the table after fighting with his backpack for a few minutes. His eyes widen in genuine shock and confusion upon receiving the test. “How the fuck do you fail something that baldy. How?! Does the teacher hate you? Do you even show up to class?!”

"Yes! Every day!"

"Holyshit- you need help."

“No shit sherlock.”

“Alright well we will start here then, you got the problem before it is correct and the test is modeled so the hardest problems appear later, you’re struggling with reading and interpreting the data you collect which later is interfering with your ability to use the right formulas, and the problems you’re having with the formulas stem from basic PEMDAS level shit so not hard to correct it’s just practice.” Dirk explains pointing at various places and pages of John’s test as his eyes just grew wider and wider with confusion. “We’re going to take it one step at a time, starting with interpreting data, I’m going to show you stuff and then we’ll go exploring to find random information that you’re going to classify and interpret. That’s all we’re doing today though.”

“That’s, that’s still a lot Dirk, I don’t think I can do that?”

“John if you can’t pick up on this shit you’re going to have one hell of a fucking year. It’s easy you just have garbage teachers.”

John helplessly slouches into his chair so much Dirk was shocked he wasn’t about to fall out of the hole in the bottom of it. But, the two trudged on, as he predicted the problem wasn’t John’s ability to understand what he was doing it was the way it was being taught and the way the book was trying to teach it. John himself picked up on the reading of data tables and conversions fairly quickly after Dirk explained it however, the problem lay in the interpretations of the data.

“Alright, do you understand this now?” Dirk asks slowly.

“Yes, for the fifth time! I’m not an idiot, you've only had me do twenty problems since you last asked!” John exclaims

“Good then get up we’re going on a walk to find some data to fuck around with then.”

“Where are we going to find that Dirk?”

“Egbert, what is the building we are in called?”

“A library, why?”  
“Good now what sits on shelves inside of said library.”

“Dirk for the last time I know this may surprise you but I’m not an idiot!”

“We’re going to find them inside of books Egbert, other books, do you know how many scientific journals are in this library? A lot a fucking lot, a fuck ton, more than enough to make sure you know what we’ve been going over for the last hour and a half.” Dirk explains as they gather their belongings into their bags and walk further into the library, John curiously follows Dirk not knowing where they were going but interested in the contents of the area.

Eventually, they stop at a section filled to the brim with various three-ring binders full of paper, from both prior students and professionals in various fields. Dirk grabs one and sets them up at an empty table, for the most part, they were the only two students in the area, everyone else had drifted off to other parts of the library, the room wouldn’t be stuffed to the brim with students until a few weeks before final exams began.

The two shuffle through the pages of the binder as John takes notes and answers questions Dirk asks, questions which he bases off of similar to parts of John’s exams. After a few stumbles John finds himself having successfully completed most of the problems as Dirk wraps an arm around him and affectionately squeezes him. So they place the binder in a book return cart and wander through other fairly deserted parts of the library which was slowly beginning to have less and less students as they leave for dinner.

“Thanks,” John says simply smiling a bit as they walk around, enjoying the privacy outside their dorm.

“For what helping you? Any time Egbert.” Dirk chuckles as John nods looking up to Dirk with a grin. “Keep looking at me like that and I’m going to have to kiss you.”

“Like what?” John laughs poking Dirk’s side teasingly.

“You are well a-fucking-ware of what you are doing.” He responds playfully glaring back.

“What’s stopping you?”

“Lack of consent, your lack of a desire to accidentally be seen by our friends, oh and you still not knowing whether or not you want it?” Dirk states simply looking straight ahead.

“And if I think I do?”

“All you need to do is ask John, but I’m not doing anything until you do, you don’t need that stress right now.” Dirk sighs as John stops walking and looks up at the ceiling as he thinks. Dirk stops after a few seconds and walks back over to John, an eyebrow quirked in confusion “Egbert are you go-”

John reaches up to grab the collar of Dirk’s shirt and pulls him down before quickly pressing his lips to Dirk’s. It only lasts a few seconds before he lets go and backs up against the bookshelf as he feels his face heat up, and he refuses to look up at Dirk who stood shocked and confused in the middle of the walkway, staring at John in disbelief. Before John knows it his face is being lightly grabbed as Dirk turns his head to face him and he gently kisses him again. This time when they pull away there is a moment of happiness and contentment.

Then John turns to see Jane. Standing at the entrance of the aisle. Her eyes wide. And John did the only thing that came to mind, he ran.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Amazing Mandy from https://sumyna.tumblr.com/ also did a beautiful drawing for part of this scene which can be found here!   
> \---> https://sumyna.tumblr.com/post/637432254479712256/and-here-we-have-the-second-artwork-this-time <\---

Dirk was trying to calm a panicking John in their shared dorm room, but it seemed like nothing he could say was working to help calm Egbert down. He knew why, they both did, they knew what Jane saw. They both knew that she’d tell her and John’s father, maybe even the rest of their friends without realizing that maybe it wasn’t the best thing to do. He knew John wasn't ready for that he was still afraid of rejection, especially when he still didn't know what he wanted. John sat on the floor in the middle of their dorm with Dirk sitting behind him wrapping his arms around John. Holding the shaking John to the best of his ability, but trying to make sure he wasn’t holding him too tightly, he was afraid if he did from the way John was breathing he wouldn’t be able to get enough air. So Dirk was slowly and gently rubbing John’s arms and attempting to whisper comforting words, doing everything he could to help. Some of it seemed to work for a bit but then the attack just started up again and Dirk felt helpless, unable to help John to protect him.

While comforting John, Dirk internally beat himself, reminding himself that it was his fault Jane saw anything. He shouldn’t have kissed John in public, at least not without making sure none of their friends were there. He should have been more careful. But he wasn’t, he was reckless and caught up in the moment and that was what got them here, on the floor, with John an anxious mess caught up in a cycle of panic, and Dirk unable to do anything to help except sit it out and hope for the best. No amount of being around John during his attacks made it any easier, made him feel any less helpless. Hell, Dirk even felt helpless when it came to his brother’s attacks. The two people he cared most about in the world and he could do nothing to help either of them, not when they needed it most. Not when he caused it.

Eventually, the attack ends, but Dirk kept doing what he was originally doing, knowing that even if the initial panic was gone, the anxiety was still there. He didn’t want John to be trapped in another attack.  
When John shakily moves to try and stand, Dirk gets up to help him. The two work together to move the shaky John to the bathroom, and sit him down on the floor next to the toilet.

“John are- what's wrong?” Dirk asks. John goes to respond but stops as he finds himself vomiting a second later.

“Are you sick? Do you need some medicine? I could ask Rose or Kanaya to get meds if you need them?” Dirk asks before internally smacking himself, he should have thought before he said anything like that. He'd never been around someone before who had something like that happened but he should have assumed it could have.

“No-.” John says shaking his head and laying back against the wall directly in front of the toilet.

“What can I do to help?”

“Stay, please. I don't want to be alone” John begins before looking over at the toilet. “and flush that, please.”

Dirk nods, flushing the toilet before sitting on the floor next to John.

\----------

John almost immediately leans over and rests his head on Dirk’s shoulder just sitting there internalizing the anxiety, not wanting to be any more of a burden then he already was, but at the same time not being willing to deny himself this tiny comfort. John couldn’t silence his thoughts, he never could not when he was like this. Not after what happened, what he allowed to happen.

He vividly remembers Jane’s face when he stepped away from kissing Dirk, smiling until his eyes met hers. She looked shocked, John wanted to believe that she’d keep it quiet until she talked to John about it but, she also seemed excited. He hated assuming the worst, but what else could he do. He knew she would tell their family, and he was absolutely terrified of their responses. He didn’t want them to know, not yet, maybe not ever. He wanted their relationship to be just theirs, to be private at least until he was more confident about himself about his identity which he still didn't know. He wasn’t ready to have that conversation with anyone else. He honestly didn’t even want to be thinking about it, but he couldn’t tear his mind away from it. Anxiety over the possible outcomes causes him to hyper-focus on it, on every way it could possibly go wrong. Every negative possibility pours through his brain as he tries to focus all of his thoughts on his breathing to keep himself calming down. He knows how easy it is for him to be launched back into another panic attack.

He hates that he had such a violent attack over something so small and he wanted nothing more than for it to not happen again. He hates that Dirk had to see any of it, but was still thankful that he was there. John knew he didn’t have to explain himself to Dirk, he’d made that clear in the beginning, the first time John ever had an attack around him. John doesn’t remember what it was about, but he does remember Dirk being there, doing everything he could to help John through it just like today.

“Thank you,” John says once he’s calmed down more, he knows that waiting to calm down completely was impossible, the anxiety could and probably would stay for hours or even the rest of the day. He just had to sit through it and do what he could when it was manageable.

“I’ve said this before and I’ll say it as many times as it takes, you don't need to thank me John, not for being useless to help you while you’re having a panic attack. Especially not for one that was entirely my fault.” Dirk says as John feels him shake his head.

“Thank you for being here. It helps.”

“John, I’ll always be here for you. As long as you want me to be.” Dirk says softly, John feels himself smile a bit.

The two sat for a bit, until John the feeling of numbness and tingling caused by the panic attack was completely gone and he felt ready to move from his spot on the bathroom floor. They got up and moved into the room.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Dirk asks cautiously, gently holding John’s hand as they stand in the middle of their room. John just shook his head in response, he didn’t even want to think about it at the moment. Maybe he would later or some other day, but not then and there. Dirk just nods his head in response placing the hand John wasn’t holding on his hip, before slowly moving around their room. It took John a minute to realize that Dirk was trying to distract him and dance with him. John felt his lips quirk up into a half-smile before he hung his arms around Dirk’s neck leaning his head on his chest.

“This is a bit awkward without any music, huh?” Dirk says in a questioning tone, before reaching into his pocket pulling out his phone, and just playing some music. John didn’t know what was playing just that it was some acoustic version of a song, he was mainly paying attention to the rhythm of Dirk’s heart and the tone of his voice as he hummed along to the music. The two just stood there slowly swaying and spinning to the music. He may not know the path the future will take or how his family will react, or anything honestly, but he does know that he doesn’t have to go through it alone. Not anymore. Besides, those were problems for another day, problems he didn’t have to face until he was ready. That thought alone helped everything seem less impossible and John feels the worry begin to fade as they drift around the room enjoying their closeness and letting everything go.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for any characters feeling a bit out of character in this I'd spend time editing it to be more accurate but school sucks right now

John rolls over as his morning alarm goes off, or at least attempts to before realizing that he was pressed against Dirk’s chest with the Strider’s arms wrapped around him. The alarm continues to go off until John feels Dirk move an arm to hit a button, he didn’t know which only that the beeping finally stopped. He nuzzles into Dirk's chest and tries to hide further under the blanket that was protecting the two from the cold mid-spring morning air. He feels Dirk chuckle at the movement before he affectionately squeezes him knowing neither had classes that day and they could do whatever they liked. Just as he’d begun to drift back to sleep he heard his phone go off. He grumbles before rolling over which prompted Dirk to release an annoyed grunt himself as John tries to be able to reach his phone.

“You know you could have asked me to pass it to you right?” Dirk yawns squinting against the light which was pouring into the room in slits through the blinds.

“I didn’t want to wake you up,” John responds before rubbing his eyes and reaching for his phone that rested on his nightstand. He turns it on to see it was a message, Dirk looks down and glares at the light.

“Who is it?”

“Probably Dave,”

“Dave, Up this early? No wrong dude.”

“He’s messaged me this early before”

“Then the little shit didn’t go to sleep.” Dirk counters to which John rolls his eyes and opens his app and sees who the message is from. Then everything hits him, he’d almost forgotten about it, he quickly sits up which surprises Dirk and leads to him giving John a questioning look. John returns his gaze with panic in his eyes as he explains the message aloud.

“Jane wants to talk.”

“Why?”

“I-I don’t know, maybe yesterday?”

“Shit,” Dirk breathes as he looks at John with worry. He pulls John close to his body and holds him, “It’ll be fine John, just breathe.”  
John nods and drops his phone to the floor as Dirk wraps a blanket around them and tries to comfort John.

\-----------------

Jane sat at the table in the dining hall her bag tucked neatly by her chair and her hands wrapped in front of her, looking like a professional businesswoman as usual. She looks around the room and smiles when her eyes meet John who awkwardly walks over and sits down across from her.

“What did you want to talk about?” John asks awkwardly smiling.

“You know,” She smiles back and gives him a knowing look, John felt himself start bouncing his leg in an attempt to keep calm.

“I don’t think I do,”

“You do, Yesterday, you and Dirk?”

“What about it?”

“You were kissing! You didn’t tell me you got together, Jonathan you promised you’d tell me about that stuff.” She says, her statement coming off a bit forceful as she begins to sound annoyed. She’d always been one who was quick to set off but John was too preoccupied with cringing at the mention of his full name to really do anything about it. Dirk plops down in the seat next to John and he feels relief wash over him, he wasn't alone anymore Dirk was good at talking right he could change the conversation right?

“We’re not, together,” John states quickly and he feels Dirk tense up beside him.

“Then why-” Jane begins before being cut off by John.

“I’m not like that. You know this.”

“Like what John, me? But no it wasn't like that Jane we were preparing to help Jake with something so it was a stage kiss he wanted to film something for his class and I was helping John prepare for it” Dirk states after a huff of annoyance before he stands up and walks off. John sits there unable to do anything as Jane looks on in confusion.

“Trouble in paradise?" a stranger calls out before John and Jane glare at them and John takes off leaving Jane alone at the table.

\--------------

“Dirk,” John calls out as he walks into the dorm to see Dirk sitting at his desk fiddling with some mechanical pieces. “Dirk, please I’m-”

“Don’t, you did what you had to do” He hisses and John flinches.

“Can we talk about it?”

“No, I’m not in the mood John.” Dirk states as John nods quietly ignoring his beeping phone as Jane frantically texts him trying to understand what happened. He turns off his phone and places it on his nightstand choosing to curl up on his side and hide away from Dirk, desperately wanting to disappear.

\---------

John paces back and forth around their dorm while Dirk sits on his bed focusing on some robot he was building. Dirk had been a bit off for the past week. John assumed it was because of him denying their relationship to Jane, but no matter how many times he apologized or asked what he could to make it up to him Dirk just shrugged him off and told him not to worry about it.

“Dirk, I’m-” John began only to be cut off by Dirk who was still focused on his project.

“Don’t worry about it John, you need to be studying so stop pacing and sit your ass down.”

“I can’t not right now, you’re upset and-”

“You can and I’m not.” Dirk sighs before rolling his eyes and looking up at John. “Egbert, I’m fine now, study so you don’t fail your exams.”

John dejectedly looked down at the textbook that lay on the floor, he nods before sitting down and beginning to take notes. After a few minutes of silence, John looks back up at Dirk who had his full attention on his robot.  
“Need help with something?” Dirk asks John, to which he just shakes his head and looks back at his blank page of notes and his homework.

“Are you-”

“Yes John- For fucks sake I'm obviously fine!” Dirk yells as the scent of burning plastic fills the room, Dirk sighs and exhaustedly rubs his temples before tossing the robot onto his desk with a loud clunk which makes John jump, more than Dirk’s initial yell did. He beings again quietly this time “No John, I’m not okay. Haven’t been for a fucking while.”

“I-”

“It’s not your fault, most of it at least isn’t.” Dirk states tiredly as he rests his head against his wall. John looks silently at his notebook the words ‘most of it’ repeating in his head, the implication that some of his stress was John’s fault.

“I’m sorry I lied to Jane,” John says quietly.

“You don’t need to be, you’re not ready to be out yet.”

“I don’t think I ever will be,” John admits honestly, thinking about how he reacted to one of his friends seeing them. He didn't know if he could handle any other people knowing.

“Then, I don’t know if I can stay in a relationship with you, I’m willing to wait but if you’ll never be ready to tell our friends, I can’t do this John,” Dirk says quietly, as though admitting defeat. Saying the words John was afraid of hearing, confirming his fears.

“I can try harder-”

“No John, if you don’t think you’ll ever be in a position where you can at least let me tell them, I can’t do this, I’m sorry”

“I can’t tell them, especially not Jane, what if she tells our family, what happens if they know.”

“Then we don’t tell her, the rest of the group at least Dave and Roxy can keep a secret John.”

“What if they can’t- what if they hate me?”

“John trust me, it’ll be fine. No one’s going to-” Dirk begins his frustration beginning to become apparent through the strain in his voice.

“You don’t know that! You don’t know what the hell I’m going through Dirk- You understand yourself it- I’m terrified of them finding out something I don’t even know yet! You just want to leave! You just want to do what you did with Jake! Leave the second the outcome isn't what you wanted!” John yells, cutting Dirk off, before leaning against the wall immediately regretting the words as they left his mouth.

“You really think I don’t understand that feeling John? Do you think it’s been easy for me? Yea I get it it sucks ass, I fucking know believe me. I know, I’ve been where you are being terrified of family finding out. My entire family is from fucking Texas John, some of them are extremely religious you think I don’t know your fear? But let me tell you something, that fear never fucking leaves. It Never Fucking Does.” Dirk explodes. “Because even if the ones who fucking matter accept you there’s always the fucking fear that someone won’t or they’ll change their damn mind. Or you’ll catch fucking feelings for someone you shouldn’t and they will treat you like the worst fucking scum of the earth for it, like its the fucking fourteenth century and you have the damn plague, only the plague they’re afraid of catching is something you can’t fucking control. And they’ll keep doing it until they fucking need something from you. And you know what Fuck You for bringing up Jake, He wanted to beak up NOT ME I didn't give up on him I was willing to stay He Left Me."

John looks at the ground avoiding Dirk’s stare as he feels pain arise in the back of his throat and he hears a half-hearted laugh from Dirk. Maybe Dirk never wanted to be with him, he wanted Jake and John just happened to be the next best option, someone who looked like him. He holds his head in his hands trying to figure out why did he brought up Jake? Why did he do that? This wasn't like him why was he doing this its his fault Dirk is leaving not Dirk's he wasn't ready that not Dirk's fault.

“So we’re back to this John? Fine, I guess I’ll just help you out with it. You know Dave offered to switch rooms with me about a month into you avoiding me. Said he knew how much it was hurting me and through it’d help me get over you.” Dirk begins “I said no then, hoping that eventually, you’d explain whatever the hell I fucking did wrong, but maybe this time I’ll take him up on the offer, get out of your way, so you can stop worrying about your lack of heterosexuality.” With that, John feels Dirk get up and storm out of the dorm, slamming the door behind him with a loud bang. John feels himself slide onto the floor as he releases the tears he’d been struggling to hold back.

\--------------------------------

He cries until he hears the door open and looks up to see Dave and Karkat looking over him with worry.

“I’m going to beat the shit out of Dirk for this,” Dave says quietly.

“You won’t, you wouldn’t even hurt a damn fly,” Karkat comments before sitting on the floor next to John who only chuckles quietly in response.

“Well, he doesn’t know that now does he Karkat.” Dave hisses.

“He’s your brother, he knows, dumbass” Karkat says as Dave sits down on John’s other side.

“I guess I’ll have to surprise him then, ow dude what the hell.” Dave states after John flicks his hand.

“You’re not going to get yourself expelled because your brother yelled at me, Dave,” John says after taking a deep breath in an attempt to relax. “Besides it was my fault, I- pressed too far and I just. I assumed things I shouldn’t have.”

“Dude that doesn’t excuse the way he acted. Yea if you were being a dick, then whatever that’ll be handled on its own but it doesn’t give him an excuse to scream at him and storm out of the damn building. I swear he fucking let everyone in the building know he was pissed, you think he was dramatic enough.”

“Dave, I yelled at him first. I- brought up something I shouldn't have”

“Good for you, you fucked up first, you both are the problem and you need to apologize to each other. Doesn't excuse Dirk for being a dick and blowing up on you dipshit”

“How did you know about this? About me being like this now?” John asks, finally removing his gaze from its focus on the floor and pointing at his chest.

“Dirk,” Karkat begins.

“Karkat stop, he literally-” Dave begins cutting Karkat off only for him to do the same to him glaring at him.

“He came to Dave’s dorm, gave us a short explanation and stormed out of the building, said you might need support or something.” Karkat continues after giving Dave a warning glance. John returns guiltily his gaze to the ground and feels his mind grow fuzzy with regret and dread. Knowing how easy it would be for him and Dirk to slip back into avoiding each other, how he deserves to be ignored especially after his previous conversation with Dirk. Hell even while Dirk was pissed at him he still looked out for him. Fuck, he felt like an asshole he did before but even more so now.

“John.” Dave begins dragging him from his mind. “I need you to stop beating yourself up, and don’t you fucking dare tell me you aren’t doing that I’ve known you since we were both ten. Stop beating yourself up about it. Him doing something ‘nice’ doesn’t change the fact that he screamed at you, knowing full well how you react to that stuff knowing full well what you’re going through. Yea maybe you said something to set him off, it doesn’t change him going off on you I don’t know what you said but I know that you both need space from each other to cool down before you see each other again. That, however, does not mean he doesn’t owe you an apology or you don’t owe him an apology, you both need to talk to each other, I don’t care who does it first.” John slowly looks up at Dave and nods quietly. Before they hear a ding from Dave’s phone. He unlocks it and reads the message before rolling his eyes in mild annoyance.

“It’s Dirk,” Dave begins, “He said he wants to switch rooms with me, something about needing space to think.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for this chapter being so short and feeling really rushed!

Two months passed after John and Dirk’s argument and Dave had absolutely decimated what used to be Dirk’s side of the room, having photographs, sketches, and music disks scattered everywhere. John couldn’t help but think about everything that was different, Dirk’s posters were gone, his robot projects were gone, every aspect of himself was gone, having been taken with the older Strider and in his place was Dave. Their dorm was a disaster zone of a mess, John and Dave had let the room become a mess of their stuff and books. John tried to be happy after all he was rooming with his best friend now, but he missed Dirk. Even when he was avoiding him he could at least look at him, see him everyday even if only in glimpses. It seemed that once Dirk didn’t want to be found it wasn’t going to happen.

Any event where their friends got together Dirk was absent from, unless John wasn’t there. He only found out that Dirk was still hanging out with the rest of the group through pictures on social media, days where he had to stay in the dorm with homework or study late at the library, Dave and Roxy would post pictures of group outings saying that Dirk was being a killjoy. John found himself chuckling at these pictures, finding joy in the facade of annoyance Dirk put on around them as shown in the pictures.  
John silently scolds himself as he forces himself to stop scrolling through Dave and Roxy’s accounts and place his phone down. He knew if he didn’t stop himself he could waste an entire day that should be spent working on homework. He rolled over and dragged himself out of bed as Dave walked backwards into the room saying bye to, who John assumed was Karkat. For the most part Dave avoided being too affectionate with Karkat around John, even without John telling him anything he seems to have understood what happened between him and Dirk. John felt bad for the lengths Dave felt the need to take to make John comfortable but was grateful for it nonetheless.

“Yo, John! Rox n the group want to meet up and get burgers you wanna come?” Dave asks, walking into the room and throwing his bag on his bed.

“Sounds good Dave, I’ll get my stuff, where are we all meeting at?” John responds rolling out of bed and searching for his shoes along the mess of their dorm room floor. He internally made a note to actually put an effort into picking up his own shit later. He was again reminded of the absence of Dirk in the room, he’d have never let the dorm get this messy, sometimes he made John pick up his own crap, but sometimes the Strider had a cleaning frenzy where he just cleaned the entire dorm by himself. Usually, that happened at around two in the morning, and John would just roll over to face the wall and pull a blanket over his head to shield himself from the light. John felt his face drop again, he was again reminded of how much he missed have Dirk around him constantly, or at all.

“I’ll go double-check, Dirk mentioned an arcade restaurant-like place being opened but he’ll know more,” Dave explained grabbing his keys and getting ready to leave the room again. At the mention of Dirk, John sat back down on the bed placing his shoes in front of his nightstand.

“I, actually think I’ll sit out this one. I've got stuff I gotta get done.”

“Convenient John, real fucking convenient I’m not a complete idiot you know,” Dave says rolling his eyes and walking over to John. “You two can’t keep this shit up, seriously it’s getting old and everyone else just wants to hang out together and have a good time.”

John opened his mouth to speak before looking down at the floor, he understood the stress both he and Dirk were causing their friends, but at the same time he didn’t feel comfortable being somewhere where he wasn’t wanted. “I’m sorry Dave, I really have to finish a project.”

“John, I promise you that I’m not nearly as dumb as you seem to think I am, everyone knows that you and Dirk are avoiding each other, Everyone.” Dave sighs exasperatedly.

“He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to see me Dave, if this was his idea and he’s going I’ll just make it easier for him. Have fun, I'm going to just study and watch streams or something.” John explains before getting out his textbooks and laptop as though to solidify his statement and his refusal to leave. Dave again responds via rolling his eyes and giving an annoyed sigh but choosing to not press further. He then shrugs before walking to the door of the room .

“I’ll bring you something back dude” Dave sighs in defeat before closing the door and leaving John alone in the quiet of their dorm room.

It wasn’t that John lied about having things to do, he genuinely did but he just didn’t have the energy to do them. He guiltily looks at his abandoned textbook which lay sadly on top of a discarded shirt. He half heartedly picks up the textbook and sets it on his bed before leaning over to pick up the shirt as well, he figured he may as well throw that into his laundry basket or in the general vicinity of it. That’s when John realizes the shirt was the same one Dirk left behind the night he helped John after his panic attack. Curls up on his side holding the shirt to his chest as he settles for watching videos on youtube as a few tears stream down his face.

A few hours pass like this until John hears a commotion in the hallway, he assumes it is a fight of some kind down the hallway and chooses to ignore it. He again is lost in thought watching the screen of his laptop until the noise moves closer and he hears his door open followed by a loud thud and someone yelling. This inspires John to get up the shirt falling to the ground as he investigates only to see a very disgruntled Dirk Strider laying on the floor glaring at the door.


	8. Chapter 8

Dirk has made himself comfortable on what was formerly his bed against the wall, as far away from John as he could possibly be. John is trying and failing to stop himself from looking at Dirk who himself was refusing to meet his eyes. He was looking quietly around the room that used to belong to him, but neither of them were speaking just sitting in the room. They were quiet enough to hear the crickets begin to chip outside and other students blaring music a few floors below.

After a while of awkward silence, they hear a bang on the door followed by what John assumed to be Dave’s voice.  
“Hey, John you like what I brought back for you?” Dave asks teasingly, laughing before continues and his voice takes on a more serious and annoyed tone. “But seriously, you two better sort your shit, I’m moving back into my dorm tomorrow morning, I’m tired of you both moping around all the damn time.”

Following Dave’s statement Dirk looks over at John annoyance clearly in his expression, it was almost as though he thought this entire thing was John’s plan and that he wasn’t a victim in this as well.

“Dirk, this wasn’t my idea,” John states tiredly, his face had grown a bit more red at Dave’s comment. He reached down to the floor and picked up his textbook, he might as well get something done. It didn't seem like Dirk was in the mood to talk, he just kept looking around the room occasionally finding focus points, never looking directly at John.

“I see you’ve developed better study habits.” Dirk states awkwardly, John raises his gaze from the book to meet Dirk’s.

“I studied before,” John states simply shrugging as he writes a note on a piece of notebook paper.

“No, you didn’t not nearly as well as you began to. After I got on your ass about it.” Dirk huffs amusedly.

“Then I guess thanks for teaching me ‘good’ study habits.” John chuckles rolling his eyes. Dirk looks at him and laughs a bit, this fills John with hope and he decides to continue cracking jokes, eventually getting Dirk to do the same and they talk, dancing around the issue neither wanting to return to the awkward quiet.

“Why did you want them to know so badly?” John asks, finally forcing them both to acknowledge the problem.

“Who? Our friends?” Dirk asks looking back at John, his shoulders tensing up as he straightens his back against the wall.

“Yea” he nods

“Because John, what you said, it fucking hurt alright?”

“That’s not-”

“No it’s not what you asked but it’s what I’m telling you. I get it you are working shit out but for fucks sake John that doesn’t give you the damn right to say what you said. Not the way you said it.” He huffs, John flinches back a bit before relaxing against the wall, refusing to meet Dirk’s angry and hurt gaze.

“I’m sorry,” John says quietly and Dirk shrugs in response.

“Yea, me too.” He sighs as John looks up.

“You didn’t do anything though?”

“Yea- I fucking did, what you- fuck- what you said it hurt like hell, but I had no right to essentially throw a tantrum about it and blow up on you.”

“You had every right,” John responds softly, returning to avoiding his gaze.

“No, you tried to talk and apologize but I refused to listen and wound up just screaming at you.”

“What I did-”

“Yea John what you did wasn’t right either but for fucks sake please stop trying to act like I did nothing wrong,” Dirk states in a strained voice.

“I forgive you, then,” John says before Dirk looks up in confusion. “For the yelling,”

“Not before I forgive you for the comment you made,” Dirk chuckles light-heartedly, and John smiles at the attempt to lighten the atmosphere.

“Well the rest of the group is going to be happy we’ve ‘made-up’, they can do gatherings and hangouts with everyone again,” John chuckles. “Do, you think we could-maybe actually make up, like get back together I mean? I mean I’m not ready to- you know come out to them but,”

“John, I can’t do this,” Dirk’s face falls as he sighs sadly and points at both of them.”Not with the knowledge that you may never be ready to tell them. I understanding coming out is scary but, I don't want to hide ever again. You have every right to hide if you want to but I don't want to.”

“How do I become ready to tell them?” John asks, his becoming voice small and lost in the sadness.

“I don’t know, I’m not a professional.” He admits with a sad half-smile.

“I never thought I’d hear those words from you, especially taking into account the way you acted in high school.” John chuckles.

“Me either honestly,” Dirk smiles a bit in response, before pausing to carefully add “You may want to see a professional John.”

“What do you mean?”

“Not just for this,” He begins, gesturing again between the two of them,” but also for your attacks and other problems.”

“They can’t help with that stuff.”

“That’s literally their job John.”

“What if it doesn’t work?”

“Then at least you tried and know it won't work, then you move to other options.” Dirk counters, steadily holding John’s gaze “They helped Dave, they may be able to help you.”

John drops his gaze and returns his eyes to the messy floor of his dorm. Thinking through the possible outcomes, thinking about the amount of trust he would be placed in a random stranger, the possible backlash. But he also finds himself buying into Dirk’s hopeful words, maybe it could work, maybe he’d get better, maybe he could return to Dirk. Maybe he'd be able to give Dirk what he wants. He didn't want to stay hidden but he couldn't bring himself to tell anyone.

“You wouldn’t be alone John,” Dirk begins, pulling John from his thoughts.”I’ll be moving back in here, and if things don't work out with therapy, well you won't have to go through it alone.”

John nods and returns to meet Dirk’s gaze, “Okay, I’ll give it a try.”

Dirk smiles “Good, and if you want someone to wait in the waiting room or something for you. Just let me know.”

“I will,” John smiles a bit.


	9. Chapter 9

“So John, how have the exercises I gave you been working?” The therapist asks gently. Since he started seeing a therapist on the school’s campus a few weeks ago, he’s felt like he is being pressed to step forward with his life, but at the same time like he has a safety net to fall back into. It was intimidating at first he will admit, coming here and just talking to a random stranger about his life and his problems, problems he wasn’t fully convinced even mattered at the time, however, slowly it became less of a chore and more helpful and more relaxing. “Do you feel comfortable talking about your identity?”

“I’m not sure I even know to be honest.” John shrugs, giving a weak attempt at a half-smile before continuing. “After all, most of my friends I know will be supportive. When they find out I’m, what I am.”

“And your family? How about them?”

John pauses after hearing the question and looks down at the floor finding comfort in its lack of sentience and its inability to read him.  
“I don’t know,” John says quietly. “I- feel like it would almost feel better to know they would for sure hate me, but some of them. I just don't know.”

“The not knowing can be scary John, there is no need to feel ashamed of admitting that. People are social creatures who take comfort in the guaranteed. However, just know that you are not required to tell everyone.”

“Could we talk about something else.” John asks shakily.

“Of course, but John sometimes it’s good to let it out, even if it’s not here.” they respond with a gentle smile. He only nods in response. “And school? How is school going then?"

“Actually surprisingly good. Thanks to Dirk, I feel more prepared for my finals over the next few weeks.” John smiles, feeling more comfortable with the topic of the conversation.

“Well, that’s good to hear John.” They begin before looking up at the clock. “Looks like we have only a few minutes left in this session, I want you to take this as a bit of homework, you don’t have to do it by the next session, but over the next few months I want you to try practicing communication more.”

“What do you mean?” He asks cautiously.

“You seem to put a lot of trust and value in your friends, yet continue holding them at arms length. You do not need to throw yourself into the deep end, but I think that if you try communicating your feelings more than you will have stronger relationships with them. And you will also begin to feel more self-trust and validation in your feelings and experiences.”

\-------------------------

As John walks through the courtyard towards the street his dormitory was located on he feels a sudden tightness before he is lifted up on top of someone’s shoulder. He looks down to see an amused portion of his friends and a happy Jake English who has just picked him up like he weighed nothing.

“Johnny! I’ve been calling your name for quite some time!” Jake exclaims happily.

“Yea what he means is he called ya once before sprinting over to you and picking you up in a bear hug like he usually does.” Roxy laughs.

“How are you and Jade so happy all the time.? It’s literally finals season, be normal and have a mental breakdown like the rest of us.” John whines to which Jake shrugs having still not placed John back on the ground. “Also please put me down.”

“Oh! John you should come get dinner with us!” Jake states ignoring John’s complaints and Roxy laughs.

“He can't, he's busy tonight.” Calls out a deep voice from behind them. John looks up to see Dirk looking extremely amused with the image in front of him.

“Awe, really? Damn. Well, there’s always the future!” Jake responds disappointedly before cheering up again.

“Jake, please put me down,” John begs.

“Nah, just hand him to me. I'll take him back to our dorm.” Dirk says, releasing a chuckle when John glares at him for the comment.

“No Strider, I don’t think I’ll do that.” Jake laughs before placing John on the ground again. “Welp, Rox and I had better be off than we’re meeting up with Janey and some other friends soon.”

“Yea, they’re probs gonna be a little upset that we’re late but they’ll deal. See ya guys later!” Roxy waves before the two of them start walking towards the parking lot.

“So, how was therapy today?” Dirk asks as he and John begin walking towards their dorm.

“Hard, but I think it’s working. It’s not working as fast as I hoped it would or in the same way I expected it to, but..” John begins, trailing off and looking at the sky.

“But it’s working nonetheless.” Dirk continues hopefully, to which John only nods giving a slight smile. “Alright so same thing as Monday? Take a break with a movie before we start the study session?”

Yep, sounds good.” John nods again. “You know I’m not as scared of this year's finals as I was last year, there’s still some fear, stress, and anxiety but not as much.”

“It’s called being prepared John, it's a phenomenon caused by studying.” Dirk teases.

“I studied before!”

"Sure you did Egbert, Sure you did,"

"I did!"

“John, you were playing video games with Dave and bingeing movies every day.”

“I looked at the book! At least twice!”

“That’s not studying John.”

“Is to! I passed last year.”

“Barely-”

“A pass is still a pass, Dirk.”

“Sure John, Sure.” Dirk says rolling his eyes and chuckling.

\-----------------------

“This is impossible and I’m going to fail.” John states, eyes wide as he stares at the textbook in confusion and disbelief.

“Egbert, you’ll be fine.” Dirk chuckles amusedly before pointing at a specific spot in John’s work, “Here’s where the problem is, the follow-through is perfect you just made a minor mistake here, go through the steps again for this type of equation.” John nods before looking back at his paper and then to his notes. His eyes widen as he catches the mistake and corrects it, finally arriving at the correct answer.

“Holyshit! I might actually pass!” John cries happily with a mix of joy and exhaustion.

“Yea it’s a miracle what happens when you do this thing called ‘stu-dy-ing’.” Dirk teased before receiving a pillow to the face. He bats it away before playfully glaring back at John. “Egbert I really don't think you want to start this fight. You will lose. Again.”

“Why not? I’m done for today aren’t I?”

“True.” Dirk states simply before picking John up and walking out of the dorm with him over his shoulder faster than John could protest.

“Dirk, really? This is the second time I’ve been carried around today, you guys need to stop doing thaaaat.”

“Nah, you’re just so light it’s like lifting a pillow, fun for everyone. What do you want for dinner by the way?”

“To walk on my own two feet.”

“Damn Egbert, that’s one hell of a strange meal.” Dirk laughs before placing John back on the ground. “Happy?”

“Yes very,” John states before sticking his tongue out at Dirk, who returns the gesture.

“What are you five?”

“You did it back so I guess that means we’re both five.”

“Nah just you. Race you to the dining hall?” Dirk asks, arching a brow and chuckling.

“Oh you’re on.” John smiles before he takes off sprinting, Dirk tears after him yelling something about him cheating as the sun sets and street lights begin to light up.


End file.
